I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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