The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
