sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
