At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
