i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
