Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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