Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
