It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize