Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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