I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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