i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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