some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
