Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
sex in a hospital.. check
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
