She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
