are you still at the devil's house?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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