I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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