I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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