I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
my liver is dry heaving
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
