Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I am mentally ready for anal.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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