The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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