i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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