I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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