I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
