I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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