She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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