I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
