I think I died a long time ago.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
