I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
