I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize