I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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