Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
