bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
