I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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