i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
