I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
