the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
