he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
