I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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