so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
