So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
