I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
