Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
