Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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