2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
