god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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