how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
