I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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