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Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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