i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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