Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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