Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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