I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
