I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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