My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
