I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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