my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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