I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
